1.17.17

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”

– Jalaluddin Rumi 


It’s like life throws a wrench between my wheels whenever I try to make the most of what I have.

I see myself as a strong person. Independent, no, but I know for damn sure that I’m strong. I’ve seen and experienced domestic violence, sexual assault, three surgeries in one year, crippling depression, and constant anxiety. However, my strength doesn’t compare to the women who deal with being married off as children or the poor children starving and fighting wars.

So, Universe, if this is you testing me or my strength, then I am happy that you deem me strong enough to handle a life where I have to build a foundation on my emotional and mental labor. I will gladly be a warrior for zen and health and happiness regardless of what is thrown at me. I gladly acceptI was blessed with life and a long list of first world problems,

I will overcome and I will conquer every single fucking thing you throw at me. This life is fucking temporary and I am so fucking done wasting the precious moments I have left. I spent twenty-fucking-one years dwelling on issues that don’t fucking matter at the present, and so many countless hours stressing over what has happened in my short time.

I know for a fact that I am going to overcome and conquer anything and everything given to me and build an empire on the ashes of my past. I will burn everything in my trail and leave with burns on my body and a smile on my face. I was blessed with life and a long list of first world problems.

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1.14.17

“Every day brings new choices” 

-Martha Beck


With depression, having hard days becomes the norm. Every single day feels like you’re fighting an uphill battle while on your knees. You have to beg for mercy from your mental, and, on a good day, you find the energy to give yourself a little care. It’s a horrible cliche to tell someone who is fighting any battle – whether it be mental, physical, or emotional – that it’s their choice to be where they are or feel how they do, but it is an even worse cliche to allow the demons that plague you to hold all control.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling defeated. I gave up before I even got up, and I wanted to wallow in bed all day. In fact, that’s pretty much what I did. I told myself that it was over before it had even started, so my mental projected into reality. I fiddled with my vision board and read a few positive things from Wanderlust: A Modern Yogi’s Guide to Discovering Your Best Self, and while doing so I realized something. I am wasting away and just laying here while my depression devours me.

Last night, while dwelling on my waste of a day that I can never get back, I swore to myself to test the words I had read. Instead of waking up and saying “today fucking sucks”, I woke up and I announced to the Universe that I was happy and that today was going to be an amazing day. Needless to say, it wasn’t an amazing day. However, my day was pretty fucking good. I cuddled with my boyfriend, I smiled and laughed and joked around, I got dressed up (and I admired myself while doing so), and I went out to enjoy the world around me.

The world is a big fucking place, and time is so fucking precious that it’s a shame to waste it. That’s why it’s so important to take charge and drive life in the direction you want it to go. Pushing yourself to get out of bed and get out of the funk. It’s so fucking hard, and it feels like it’s impossible because, for some of us, it is. But you can’t let it beat you up and watch you wallow in pain.

Even if it’s little baby crawls like brushing your teeth for the first time in four days (guilty!) or making yourself drink two nice cups of delicious water, you can do it. You have to crawl before you walk, and you have to walk before you run.

Taking care of yourself is first, and wishing well onto yourself can make everything feel a little bit better.

The Universe is listening, tell it what you want.

1.10.17

“Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without.”
― Buddha


Today, I woke up in a mood that could only be defined as anxious. The world felt heavy on my horizontal body, and the weight on unwanted emotions weighed down on my heart. I wanted to revert to my usual habit of cuddling deep within the comforts of the mountain of blankets on top of me, but I remembered that this year is a new year. This year is my year of acceptance, forgiveness, and openness. So, today, I had to accept the mood of my morning, forgive myself for thinking the worst, and remain open to the idea that the rest of the day was going to go well.

It also helped that my boyfriend woke me up with cuteness and kisses.

After a bit of dilly-dallying and wasting the precious time I have, my boyfriend suggested yoga. It is one of my goals for this year and I had yet to actually indulge in advancing in it. In fact, I hadn’t even started yet. So, I pushed myself to start, and, let me just tell you, I had to push myself. The idea of moving my body and exerting energy when I felt like complete shit was just entirely off-putting. But I pushed myself forward and I am so thankful that I did.

My body ached as I pushed it just a little past its limits. I forced myself to stay focused on the task and aware of my body. While some positions made me wish it was over, the transitions and following poses allowed me to remain thankful that my body was even able to move in such a fashion. Once I was done, my body felt less heavy, less tight, and less weary.

Again, this made me feel nothing but thanks as well as a sense of accomplishment for going through with it.

Now, at just a little past noon, I have explored more of my body, I have meditated to calm my anxiety, and I am typing on a blog that I promised to update daily. Today, the second day of my journey, was a success.

I am worthy of shedding the layer of anxiety and negativity that hinders me. I am worthy of all things positive and healthy. Good things will come this year, I just have to work for it myself instead of expecting it.