Mindless Ranting

Why is it that people, especially older relatives, expect us to live our lives how they deem fit?

I mean, there’s giving advice and then there’s outright telling you what you can and cannot do. Whether it be who you hang out with, what you wear, or even what you do later in life. It’s as if they get this power trip when they see you as a baby, and they justify taking over your life and living through you because they’re older and “wiser”. Almost everyone has this person in their life. In my case, it was my mother. She was a helicopter mom that was also praised as being the “cool” mom.

She was a helicopter mom that was also praised as being the “cool” mom. All of my friends adored her and thought she was such fucking amazing because she talked to them like friends; however, she was picking my classes while I was in high. My friends laughed with her singing to music in the car, while I had to experience her mental breakdowns and her literally applying to colleges for me because I was undecided. I listened to them tell me that I was so lucky, only to listen to her telling me all of the dreams, goals, and ambitions I should have simply because she wanted me to be what she wasn’t.

I didn’t become my own person until I was nineteen. Once I turned eighteen and my life turned to shit, I started thinking through my depression. I wallowed in bed all day and contemplated how unhappy I was, wishing for death and then getting sad because it’d be pathetic to die in my state. I spent nearly two years fucking miserable because I wasn’t living my life, and, once I took a step in the direction of independence, my mother flipped the fuck out.

She wanted the daughter she bragged about to her friends. She loved rubbing it in her friend’s faces that I did well in school, it made her proud that I was a virgin while her friends had kids getting pregnant as teenagers, and I was proclaimed as her “future doctor daughter”. There was no say from me. If I expressed doubt, I was quickly silenced by her telling me that I was young and ahead of everyone else.

It’s the main reason I feel so far behind now.

But, once I turned nineteen, things changed. I failed dropped out of my University and enrolled in a cheaper community college. It was cheaper for me and closer to home, but my mom made sure to sit me down and inform me that I was a failure and that she was going to watch me fail and live through the mistake. Yes, I did fail, but only because I was told that what I did didn’t matter.

She then decided to make my relationship harder. Everything from cornering my boyfriends parents in the grocery store with her buggy to tell them that she is kicking me out and moving me into their place to calling the cops on my boyfriend for wanting to talk to her about what she doesn’t like him. She blames him for me dropping out, but I expressed not wanting to go to a University due to confusion from the start. Her response was to tell me she wouldn’t love me if I dropped out of school.

And, oh, dear God, she stayed true to her fucking word.

I paid her $500 a month for rent for two years, but after she started kicking me out I stopped. I was her fucking crutch when she left my abusive step-father and was crying at night. I fucking had to deal with being her psychologist and backbone from the age of twelve. I was there for her on the hard nights. And, yeah, she was there for me when I went through my surgeries, but she has been absent for my depression.

She’s denied my eating disorder, my suicide attempt, my depression, and everything that tells her that I’m fucking miserable. She doesn’t want a daughter who isn’t a happy go lucky princess, and she’d rather fucking hate the shell I am than help me rebuild. Because of her choices, she knows nothing about me. She’d rather have a stranger she resents than a daughter she aids.

After years of promising me a car, she never followed through. Even to this day, but it’s totally okay because she has her Benz. She even promised to help me get to jobs with her car once I got a job, and then changed her mind last minute. She promises to pay for my tuition, and then tells me to make my boyfriend or his parents pay for me once I register for classes. But, once again, I’m totally fine with it because she gets to throw in my face how much of a failure I am. She can tell her friends and the rest of the family that I shack up with my boyfriend and I’m wasting my life, but you don’t fucking help me when I’ve been basically fucking screaming it for almost three years.

This is my fucking life, dammit. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to live it how I plan on it. If I want to be with my boyfriend now, regardless of what happens in the future, that is my life choice. If I don’t want to be in a University, it is my choice.

I want my voice to matter just as much as it would if I was listening to everything she told me. I want my mind to matter.