1.19.17

“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.”

– Benjamin Franklin


Take a moment to think about your present self. Now, think about the person you were yesterday and compare it to the person you are today. Are there any differences? Perhaps not, and that’s okay. But, what do you see when you compare your present self to the person you want to be five years in the future?

I’m certain no one reading this is a psychic, so our plans or visions are often left written in the sand rather than stone. But having an idea can act as the catalyst to making your desires your reality. So, take a few moments to think about it. Think about where you will be in five years. If that is too far off for you, imagine your life in two years. Where are you? Who are you? What do you see?

For me, I see myself embracing nothing but balance, serenity, and stability. I see myself living in a home of my own with the man I love, and enjoying a life where anxiety and depression are lessons of the past.

It’s easy to think about what we want. We’re humans, it’s how our brains work. While we’re out and about, we see a person who has an item or physical trait we want. While we’re at home watching shitty reality T.V., we think about the lifestyles we want. The list goes on, as do our desires and those desires can spark negative emotions such as envy, frustration, and anxiety.

We often compare ourselves to other people, and we fill ourselves with a self-loathing that can only hinder our aspirations. We are betraying our true selves and putting out our inner fire, or our agni.

But, then comes the question: Who is my true self?

I cannot answer that for you. In fact, I can’t even answer that for myself just yet. The journey to finding your true self can only be done through self-exploration. Whether it be purging items and people who you feel do not belong in your life or through meditation, it is important to find a way to introduce yourself to the being you truly are.

The journey can be long and arduous. I have heard that it can get scary because we are digging deep into ourselves and learning things that we never knew. Regardless, the end is worth it. Once you find yourself, your true self, only then can you realize your true desires and your true path to happiness.

While our time on this planet is finite, there is so much time to achieve all we desire. It is up to you to go after all that you seek.

 

Mindless Ranting

Why is it that people, especially older relatives, expect us to live our lives how they deem fit?

I mean, there’s giving advice and then there’s outright telling you what you can and cannot do. Whether it be who you hang out with, what you wear, or even what you do later in life. It’s as if they get this power trip when they see you as a baby, and they justify taking over your life and living through you because they’re older and “wiser”. Almost everyone has this person in their life. In my case, it was my mother. She was a helicopter mom that was also praised as being the “cool” mom.

She was a helicopter mom that was also praised as being the “cool” mom. All of my friends adored her and thought she was such fucking amazing because she talked to them like friends; however, she was picking my classes while I was in high. My friends laughed with her singing to music in the car, while I had to experience her mental breakdowns and her literally applying to colleges for me because I was undecided. I listened to them tell me that I was so lucky, only to listen to her telling me all of the dreams, goals, and ambitions I should have simply because she wanted me to be what she wasn’t.

I didn’t become my own person until I was nineteen. Once I turned eighteen and my life turned to shit, I started thinking through my depression. I wallowed in bed all day and contemplated how unhappy I was, wishing for death and then getting sad because it’d be pathetic to die in my state. I spent nearly two years fucking miserable because I wasn’t living my life, and, once I took a step in the direction of independence, my mother flipped the fuck out.

She wanted the daughter she bragged about to her friends. She loved rubbing it in her friend’s faces that I did well in school, it made her proud that I was a virgin while her friends had kids getting pregnant as teenagers, and I was proclaimed as her “future doctor daughter”. There was no say from me. If I expressed doubt, I was quickly silenced by her telling me that I was young and ahead of everyone else.

It’s the main reason I feel so far behind now.

But, once I turned nineteen, things changed. I failed dropped out of my University and enrolled in a cheaper community college. It was cheaper for me and closer to home, but my mom made sure to sit me down and inform me that I was a failure and that she was going to watch me fail and live through the mistake. Yes, I did fail, but only because I was told that what I did didn’t matter.

She then decided to make my relationship harder. Everything from cornering my boyfriends parents in the grocery store with her buggy to tell them that she is kicking me out and moving me into their place to calling the cops on my boyfriend for wanting to talk to her about what she doesn’t like him. She blames him for me dropping out, but I expressed not wanting to go to a University due to confusion from the start. Her response was to tell me she wouldn’t love me if I dropped out of school.

And, oh, dear God, she stayed true to her fucking word.

I paid her $500 a month for rent for two years, but after she started kicking me out I stopped. I was her fucking crutch when she left my abusive step-father and was crying at night. I fucking had to deal with being her psychologist and backbone from the age of twelve. I was there for her on the hard nights. And, yeah, she was there for me when I went through my surgeries, but she has been absent for my depression.

She’s denied my eating disorder, my suicide attempt, my depression, and everything that tells her that I’m fucking miserable. She doesn’t want a daughter who isn’t a happy go lucky princess, and she’d rather fucking hate the shell I am than help me rebuild. Because of her choices, she knows nothing about me. She’d rather have a stranger she resents than a daughter she aids.

After years of promising me a car, she never followed through. Even to this day, but it’s totally okay because she has her Benz. She even promised to help me get to jobs with her car once I got a job, and then changed her mind last minute. She promises to pay for my tuition, and then tells me to make my boyfriend or his parents pay for me once I register for classes. But, once again, I’m totally fine with it because she gets to throw in my face how much of a failure I am. She can tell her friends and the rest of the family that I shack up with my boyfriend and I’m wasting my life, but you don’t fucking help me when I’ve been basically fucking screaming it for almost three years.

This is my fucking life, dammit. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to live it how I plan on it. If I want to be with my boyfriend now, regardless of what happens in the future, that is my life choice. If I don’t want to be in a University, it is my choice.

I want my voice to matter just as much as it would if I was listening to everything she told me. I want my mind to matter.

1.17.17

“Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.”

– Jalaluddin Rumi 


It’s like life throws a wrench between my wheels whenever I try to make the most of what I have.

I see myself as a strong person. Independent, no, but I know for damn sure that I’m strong. I’ve seen and experienced domestic violence, sexual assault, three surgeries in one year, crippling depression, and constant anxiety. However, my strength doesn’t compare to the women who deal with being married off as children or the poor children starving and fighting wars.

So, Universe, if this is you testing me or my strength, then I am happy that you deem me strong enough to handle a life where I have to build a foundation on my emotional and mental labor. I will gladly be a warrior for zen and health and happiness regardless of what is thrown at me. I gladly acceptI was blessed with life and a long list of first world problems,

I will overcome and I will conquer every single fucking thing you throw at me. This life is fucking temporary and I am so fucking done wasting the precious moments I have left. I spent twenty-fucking-one years dwelling on issues that don’t fucking matter at the present, and so many countless hours stressing over what has happened in my short time.

I know for a fact that I am going to overcome and conquer anything and everything given to me and build an empire on the ashes of my past. I will burn everything in my trail and leave with burns on my body and a smile on my face. I was blessed with life and a long list of first world problems.

1.14.17

“Every day brings new choices” 

-Martha Beck


With depression, having hard days becomes the norm. Every single day feels like you’re fighting an uphill battle while on your knees. You have to beg for mercy from your mental, and, on a good day, you find the energy to give yourself a little care. It’s a horrible cliche to tell someone who is fighting any battle – whether it be mental, physical, or emotional – that it’s their choice to be where they are or feel how they do, but it is an even worse cliche to allow the demons that plague you to hold all control.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling defeated. I gave up before I even got up, and I wanted to wallow in bed all day. In fact, that’s pretty much what I did. I told myself that it was over before it had even started, so my mental projected into reality. I fiddled with my vision board and read a few positive things from Wanderlust: A Modern Yogi’s Guide to Discovering Your Best Self, and while doing so I realized something. I am wasting away and just laying here while my depression devours me.

Last night, while dwelling on my waste of a day that I can never get back, I swore to myself to test the words I had read. Instead of waking up and saying “today fucking sucks”, I woke up and I announced to the Universe that I was happy and that today was going to be an amazing day. Needless to say, it wasn’t an amazing day. However, my day was pretty fucking good. I cuddled with my boyfriend, I smiled and laughed and joked around, I got dressed up (and I admired myself while doing so), and I went out to enjoy the world around me.

The world is a big fucking place, and time is so fucking precious that it’s a shame to waste it. That’s why it’s so important to take charge and drive life in the direction you want it to go. Pushing yourself to get out of bed and get out of the funk. It’s so fucking hard, and it feels like it’s impossible because, for some of us, it is. But you can’t let it beat you up and watch you wallow in pain.

Even if it’s little baby crawls like brushing your teeth for the first time in four days (guilty!) or making yourself drink two nice cups of delicious water, you can do it. You have to crawl before you walk, and you have to walk before you run.

Taking care of yourself is first, and wishing well onto yourself can make everything feel a little bit better.

The Universe is listening, tell it what you want.

1.12.17

“Giving up is the only sure way to fail.” 

– Gena Showalter


I’ve found that I have an amazing talent for setting myself up for failure. Like many people, I have so many big aspirations and goals, but my laziness prevents me from achieving them. Like yesterday and, almost, today.

This year is like a brand new, shiny toy that I was gifted with by the universe or fate or whatever. I was able to make it another year with little to no baggage, just hope. Maybe my natural sense of pessimism is also a reason, but the voice in my head telling me that I’m going to fail and telling me to never try is starting to irritate me.

But this year was all new for me to start fresh, and I made a reason not to blog and not to do yoga. I have obligations to myself. Wow, my overuse of the word “I” is getting obnoxious.

Laziness. Pessimism. Selfishness.

Those are things that I want to get rid of. Starting now, I will accept mistakes and let go of all of the things holding me back. I don’t want to be the girl that never succeeds because of my self-centered views.

The world is so much bigger than me, and the Universe even bigger than Earth. Everything passes and time is only finite. There’s no time for wallowing in regrets and mistakes. There’s only learning and accepting and moving forward to begin with those life lessons in mind.

I can do this.

I am worthy of becoming the person I so desperately seek to be.

1.10.17

“Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without.”
― Buddha


Today, I woke up in a mood that could only be defined as anxious. The world felt heavy on my horizontal body, and the weight on unwanted emotions weighed down on my heart. I wanted to revert to my usual habit of cuddling deep within the comforts of the mountain of blankets on top of me, but I remembered that this year is a new year. This year is my year of acceptance, forgiveness, and openness. So, today, I had to accept the mood of my morning, forgive myself for thinking the worst, and remain open to the idea that the rest of the day was going to go well.

It also helped that my boyfriend woke me up with cuteness and kisses.

After a bit of dilly-dallying and wasting the precious time I have, my boyfriend suggested yoga. It is one of my goals for this year and I had yet to actually indulge in advancing in it. In fact, I hadn’t even started yet. So, I pushed myself to start, and, let me just tell you, I had to push myself. The idea of moving my body and exerting energy when I felt like complete shit was just entirely off-putting. But I pushed myself forward and I am so thankful that I did.

My body ached as I pushed it just a little past its limits. I forced myself to stay focused on the task and aware of my body. While some positions made me wish it was over, the transitions and following poses allowed me to remain thankful that my body was even able to move in such a fashion. Once I was done, my body felt less heavy, less tight, and less weary.

Again, this made me feel nothing but thanks as well as a sense of accomplishment for going through with it.

Now, at just a little past noon, I have explored more of my body, I have meditated to calm my anxiety, and I am typing on a blog that I promised to update daily. Today, the second day of my journey, was a success.

I am worthy of shedding the layer of anxiety and negativity that hinders me. I am worthy of all things positive and healthy. Good things will come this year, I just have to work for it myself instead of expecting it.

1.9.17

I find myself constantly desiring things in life that I can easily achieve, and, yet, I also find myself holding me back. Making excuses has become something that I am very good at, and finding reasons to avoid even aspiring for more. This year was supposed to be different, and I am still holding myself back.

Life isn’t just going to hand me my dreams in a gift basket. I am far too lazy and far too behind. The negativity that I surround myself with has such a hold on me, and I refuse to allow it to consume entirely.

This year is going to be different. It isn’t too late. Just because I wasted nine days as the person I vowed to change doesn’t mean I have to waste the remaining 356 in the same manner. This is my promise to myself.

Today marks a day when I will begin my journey to self-discovery, self-acceptance, and self-reliance. I am worthy of the great things life has to offer, and I am worthy of all things beautiful.